Diesel's Abyss

I am less than a month away from embarking on a new journey. I will need many supplies and support from my loved ones. I will put all my trust into my headmasters to guide me into this new unclaimed territory. I’m sure I will experience more emotional “Ah-Hah” moments just like the last journey. the Land of self is full of swamp and thorns or at least I know mine is, but it has cleared and improved from a year and half ago.

Clarity and prosperity lies ahead, no doubt about that.

I will be part of a team that will make great things happen while each and ever one of us searches within ourselves to find our own power. and through that we will all gain a sense of self and take pride in who we are becoming.

Everyday, I look in the mirror and say wow. I have and still am evolving into this beautiful, powerful Leather person. There is something to be said about being the person you’ve always wanted to be. I have been given the gift of Knowledge and I shall pass this gift on to anyone who has leather in their heart and anyone who has the curiosity to learn.

To me, a leather heart is holding yourself to your own moral standards, being comfortable in your own skin, doing the right thing when nobody is looking.

A leather person is Humbled by seeing others grow, Honest and always keeps to his/her word.

In just these few short years I have evolved into a person I never thought I would be. I was a scared little boi and now I do my best everyday and accept that for what it is. I AM THE BEST ME I CAN BE. and that is what its all about, and if thats not good enough for you..well……. you can SUCK IT!

I am less than a month away from embarking on a new journey. I will need many supplies and support from my loved ones. I will put all my trust into my headmasters to guide me into this new unclaimed territory. I’m sure I will experience more emotional “Ah-Hah” moments just like the last journey. the Land of self is full of swamp and thorns or at least I know mine is, but it has cleared and improved from a year and half ago.

Clarity and prosperity lies ahead, no doubt about that.

I will be part of a team that will make great things happen while each and ever one of us searches within ourselves to find our own power. and through that we will all gain a sense of self and take pride in who we are becoming.

Everyday, I look in the mirror and say wow. I have and still am evolving into this beautiful, powerful Leather person. There is something to be said about being the person you’ve always wanted to be. I have been given the gift of Knowledge and I shall pass this gift on to anyone who has leather in their heart and anyone who has the curiosity to learn.

To me, a leather heart is holding yourself to your own moral standards, being comfortable in your own skin, doing the right thing when nobody is looking.

A leather person is Humbled by seeing others grow, Honest and always keeps to his/her word.

In just these few short years I have evolved into a person I never thought I would be. I was a scared little boi and now I do my best everyday and accept that for what it is. I AM THE BEST ME I CAN BE. and that is what its all about, and if thats not good enough for you..well……. you can SUCK IT!

Sometimes I have moments of emptiness. I am a hollow shell waiting to be filled up with something different, different than the mediocrity that is poured into me day after day after day. 

I have so many people in my life that I love, but I am frightened to allow them too close to me.  

with patience and love I will eventually open up and let you in 

Oh world, how dull yet exciting you can be

I graduate Cosmetology school in late September, early October. I want to have my license soon after that or hopefully before I actually leave school for the final time. I don’t want to wait that long after I graduate to move out. I’ll live downtown preferably by the buses or trax. I’ll live by myself, most likely in a crappy studio lol. everyone needs to live in at least one crappy studio. I want to work at the call center (pegus) for a few years to accumulate a good amount of savings and to move up in the company. I will cut hair on the side to keep my skills up. and who knows after that.

That is my 5 year plan:

1. Graduate

2. Move out

3. work and hopefully move up at pegus

4. Cut hair on the side

I want a house someday but we’ll see if that happens. I’m taking positive steps now for my future. :D yay for me

If I was a Professional Dominatrix

I am Madam Joselyn,
    Proud of my femininity and my raw essence of power. I am a role play artist and Experienced In many aspects of S/M. I hold the power to make your wildest fantasies come true. I play with Taboos and Triggers, Fear and Humiliation. Love to Explore new horizons of my female dominance. Men, Woman, Couples and Groups need not to feel shame of their Kinky desires. You may quench your thirst. Submit To My power, Worship My voluptuous body and give into your inner masochist or Timid school boy/ girl. I am a Teacher, an Amazon, a Goddess and many other things. I can be a delicate flower of astounding beauty and also a aggressive force of authority.
    I insist on protection, safety and consent to make sure that I and whoever else is safe. I use safe words in my play, both verbal and visual depending on the type of scene. I charge a small meeting fee, a small appointment/ reservation fee and a fee for the scene. All prices will be discussed via email or phone call.  I ask for the fees up front except for the scene fee which may be collected after the scene is through. There is also a Cancellation/ Rescheduling fee if appointment was not cancelled or rescheduled 24 hours before the scheduled appointment.
    Finally, Let yourself experience new levels of adventure, push your boundaries and indulge in forbidden pleasures. Send that email and let the fun begin.

Sincerely,
Madam Joselyn

This is not a real advertisement. I was just having fun.

My Dad,

He says He’s glad to give me a place to stay while I go to school because I’m not willing to live with my mother (nor would I be able too).

I came home from work tonight hoping that my father would be in his normal routine of watching John Stewart and talking to his wife. I hoped it would take the two hours I needed to do my Laundry So as soon as I got home I put my laundry in and started to cook myself dinner. while my veggie burger was in the pan frying I continued to tell my Father I had to put laundry in and it should be done by the time you go to bed. He Just got angry and reminded me why I had tried to promise myself that I’d never ask him for another Favor again. I thought I had gotten over a lot of his anger and just learned to get out of the way and interact with him as little as possible so as not too “upset” him because it seems to me that everything I say to him makes him angry.

He yelled at me about how I never listen to him and just do whatever I want, when I want. I just leave the house a fucking mess and never clean. I have no respect and I’m ungrateful and he kept comparing me to My sister. saying things like “you’re just like your sister, making messes and just being lazy” In mine and my sisters defense: We both went to school while living with him and I work all the time. He seems to think I have all this free time to just fuck around but I don’t. I take offense because My sister is not lazy (she did leave messes but it was mainly just her corner of the basement living room). I ask my dad on a fairly frequent basis if he thinks that I’m taking advantage of him and he always says no. I never ask him for anything except shelter and food and while yes those are big deals but when we fight like this I just want to Run away and never eat again. I feel like a small child trying to escape.

I began trying to tell him again that it should be done by the time his show is over and he just wouldn’t stop yelling. I went into the kitchen and flipped over my veggie burger. Conversation over, I had shut down (or so I thought) He continued to walked into the kitchen and yelled about how he told me that I can’t do my laundry while He’s sleeping. I said nothing. how I have no respect for rules that he places as a parent and I much rather be abused by “that bitch” (He’s refering to my ex girlfriend) and do everything she says. I again tried to say that I apologize I just needed to run one load and I didn’t forget the rule I just neglected to do it earlier in the week. He yelled over me and I don’t know what he was saying.

I then began to get upset and I raised my voice asking if we could just have a conversation and asking why he never lets me get a word in edge wise. He screamed about how there was no conversation to have blah blah blah. I say Can’t I talk to you once and feel like you are hearing me. He said in a very angry voice “Don’t talk back to me” He leaned forward, chest pumped up like some angry beast and raised his eyebrows and his fist like he was about to attack his prey, but luckily he didn’t. Blah Blah Blah. I fall into complete silence with anger burning behind my retinas. He’s still talking. I then say under my breath “then if there is no conversation then we just won’t talk” The washer bell rings. He walks out the kitchen. I gather my food and go straight to my corner of the basement. I listened to him stomp around and then he left. on his way out he bitches about how he is always the bad guy.

I’m a scared little girl. Afraid of when daddy might lose it and hit her. I am an angsty teenager planning my escape for as soon as I graduate school. I am a recovered self-harmer thinking about how nice it would be to just cut my skin open and smear the blood all over my hands but knowing I won’t do it.

When You are threatened by the people who are supposed to love you and care about you, you just want to close yourself off to them and everybody else and never trust, never love ever again

I don’t typically hold grudges and I am normally a very forgiving person and for the most part I had forgiven my father for certain things but with this fight everything was just brought back up and I think I won’t be talking to him much between now and the time I move out of my corner of the basement.

I did a lot of thinking between now and my fight with my Father about how I feel again like I need to just live by myself. Realizing again why I had originally said that was what I was going to do.

1) I need to be ok alone

2) I need to do everything “my way” for awhile

3) I need time to figure out for myself what and who I am and to quietly self reflect in “MY” space

those are only some of the reasons

I don’t hate any of my family. I love them all but I can’t live with any of them. its just not meant to be